Sex and the Satanist Rituals

I’ve always had strong doubts about the case against Amanda Knox and her Italian boyfriend Raffaelle Sollecito, who are currently on trial in Perugia, Italy for the murder of Knox’s British roommate Meredith Kercher.

But it wasn’t until I watched CBS’s 48 Hours investigation of the case that I realized how truly insane the Italian prosecutor handling the case seems to be.

Giuliani Mignini is prosecuting the case despite being currently under indictment himself for abuse of power, so a big win in this high profile trial could be critical for his professional survival. Mignini decided within days of Kercher’s murder that the British student had been killed during a drug-fueled extreme sex game masterminded by Knox.

But Mignini doesn’t believe it to have been your normal everyday drug-fueled extreme sex game; the prosecutor’s theory is that the American student, her Italian boyfriend, and the Ivorian immigrant who has already been convicted of the crime were conducting some kind of Satanist ritual that went very wrong. Seriously.

Mignini ascribes to the theories of an Italian blogger, who “sees” with great clarity the evil acts Satan commits on the human plane of existence. This blogger “saw” that Satan had a role in Kercher’s murder, acting through Knox and Sollecito, so the prosecutor has a single-minded pursuit to defeat the evil he believes the two students represent.

After Mignini’s theories of Satanist influence in a previous murder investigation garnered criticism in a book co-authored by an Italian and an American journalist, he had the Italian writer imprisoned for three weeks, and detained the American for intense interrogation. The American, Doug Preston, tells 48 Hours that he is surprised the 20-year-old college student held out for 14 hours of Mignini interrogation before offering a confused and false confession of involvement in the crime. Preston, a grown man with more than 20 years experience as a professional journalist, cracked after only three hours of intense questioning and started agreeing to every hair-brained idea suggested to him. The day after signing his own false confession earned him release from custody, Preston packed up his family and moved back to the United States.

The spectre of sex and violence in the Kercher murder has driven a tabloid frenzy of coverage in the Italian media, which has led to widespread assumption of Knox and Sollecito’s guilt–largely as a result of false reports of supposed “evidence” assumedly leaked by the prosecutor’s office.

Watch the video of the 48 Hours investigation after the jump. If you finish it as shocked and disgusted as I am about the fuckedupedness of the case against Knox and Sollecito, send an email to the public affairs office of the Italian Embassy in DC and tell them.  stampa.washington@esteri.it

Read More »

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Sex, Lies And Digital Video

A camera-phone vid of the public flogging by Islamist douchebags, one of whom was her own brother, of a veiled, under-aged Pakistani girl from the Swat valley has set the international news media and blogosphere abuzz. It has, more importantly, also triggered a wave of protests in Pakistan itself, from citizens decrying the religiously sanctioned brutalization of a veiled teenage girl.

The UK Guardian received the video from Samar Minallah, a Pashtun documentary maker and anthropologist who lived in Swat for two years in the late 1990s. It has been passed between Swat residents by mobile phones. The girl, identified as 17 year old Chaand, was accused by a lone neighbor of having an illicit relationship with a married man (read: seen in public, period) and was punished without any kind of trial. According to a report in the NYT:

“Chand was singled out for the punishment after she declined a Taliban fighter’s proposal for marriage, the head of the Peshawar Bar Association, Abdul Latif Afridi, said after the hearing.

“After her refusal to marry, an electrician visited the family home, and, according to Mr. Afridi’s account, the scorned Taliban suitor saw her leave the house with the workman. She was flogged on March 7, accused of consorting with the electrician as an unmarried woman, the lawyer said.”

The Pakistani government recently signed a “peace deal” with the Swat-based Taliban, allowing it to declare Shariah law in the region and to exert such influence as it felt appropriate, like the denunciation and cruel beating of Chaand and others like her who dare to appear in public without a male family escort or to go to school. Read More »

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Full Metal Budget

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The Daily Show team explain how a 4% budget increase is being described by the news media as “drastic cuts” to the Pentagon’s annual drunken spending spree on fancy, yet unusable, toys.

Loony shit-stirrer, Sen. Jim Inhofe had this to say: “President Obama is disarming America. Never before has a president so ravaged the military at a time of war.”

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Old Skool Republican Tells It Like It Is

LIMBAUGH: We’re going to go to Chicago. This is Charles. Charles, thank you for waiting and for calling. Great to have you here. Hello.

CALLER: Thanks, Rush. Rush, listen, I voted Republican, and I didn’t — really didn’t want to see Obama get in office. But, you know, Rush, you’re one reason to blame for this election, for the Republicans losing.

First of all, you kept harping about voting for Hillary. The second big issue is the — was the torture issue. I’m a veteran. We’re not supposed to be torturing these people. This is not Nazi Germany, Red China, or North Korea. There’s other ways of interrogating people, and you kept harping about it — “It’s OK,” or “It’s not really torture.” And it was just more than waterboarding. Some of these prisoners were killed under torture.

And it just — it was crazy for you to keep going on and on like Levin and Hannity and Hewitt. It’s like you’re all brainwashed.

And my last comment is, no matter what Obama does, you will still criticize him because I believe you’re brainwashed. You’re just — and I hate to say it — but I think you’re a brainwashed Nazi. Anyone who could believe in torture just has got to be - there’s got to be something wrong with them. Read More »

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CIA Medics Joined In Gitmo Torture Sessions

“When we get people who are more concerned about reading the rights to an Al Qaeda terrorist than they are with protecting the United States against people who are absolutely committed to do anything they can to kill Americans, then I worry…. These are evil people. And we’re not going to win this fight by turning the other cheek.

“If it hadn’t been for what we did—with respect to the…enhanced interrogation techniques for high-value detainees…—then we would have been attacked again. Those policies we put in place, in my opinion, were absolutely crucial to getting us through the last seven-plus years without a major-casualty attack on the US….”

—Former Vice President Dick Cheney, February 4, 2009

“I’m sure that the false information I was forced to invent in order to make the ill-treatment stop wasted a lot of their time and led to several false red-alerts being placed in the US,”

–Khalid Sheik Mohammed in a statement to the Red Cross. Read More »

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There’s Absolutely NO Way This Could Possibly Go Wrong

Are you a bedridden shut-in obsessed with gunning down a burglar without having to get up and put your slippers on? Well, today’s your lucky day! For the low-low price of $39.95, you too can have a mattress mounted shotgun rack! The Back-Up’s website exhorts you to buy “one for each side of the bed”.

While the website claims, “this product is not intended for use in homes with children”, the rhetoric they use to sell the product is specifically geared toward the “protection of families” and Back Up’s shills actually use a picture of a family with young children as one of the four main images on their website.

The FAQs are equally mind-boggling. Here’s my favorite: “I travel a lot for business or hunting. Is The Back-Up© portable?”

“Yes The Back-Up© is very light and portable. The unique patented design and construction gives you the ability to collapse it easily for travel, and place it wherever you need it.” Read More »

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Religious People Say The Stupidest Things!

It’s fair to say I spend a great deal of time mocking fundamentalist Christians and Roman Catholics, mainly because it’s fun and because so much of their dogma is patently retarded. However, I have stated before that the Dogoods are equal opportunity bitches, and now is the time to remind Muslims of that very mission statement.

Bahrain’s Gulf Daily News informs us that their Parliament has voted to outlaw, not spousal rape or domestic slavery, but witchcraft! 

“Witchcraft and sorcery could soon be outlawed, following allegations that suspicious packages containing hair, nails and even blood are being shipped to Bahrain.”

And apparently, it’s upsetting the postmen! Read More »

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When Did Bristol “Advocate” Abstinence

Bristol Palin’s baby daddy appeared on the Tyra Banks show this morning.  Levi Johnston talked about sex, how Gov. Palin knew her daughter was having sex, how aforementioned sex created a baby, and a bunch of other things.

The Palin family spokesperson released a pre-emptive public statement over the weekend criticizing Johnston’s decision to to grant the interview, charging that he was distorting the facts and exploiting his past relationship with Bristol for his own fame and fortune.

The statement just couldn’t resist the shot at rehabilitating Bristol’s image as a ‘good girl’ (by conservative Christian wacked standards), reporting that her “focus will remain on raising Tripp, completing her education, and advocating abstinence.”

But the last time Bristol made a public comment on abstinence, she called it “not realistic at all.”  That doesn’t sound like very strong advocacy to me.

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How to Fend Off a Dildo Attack

Following the success of Borat, one would think most people in this country would recognize Sacha Baron Cohen as the man behind the costumes of his outrageously offensive trademark characters. But his schtick as a flaming homosexual fashion correspondent from Germany found plenty of unwitting people to entice into embarrassing situations.

Check out the new trailer for his currently NC-17 release slated for July–Brüno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt.

Hilarious.

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No Justice, No Peeps!

Classic. For the last three years the Washington Post has held an Easter Peeps diorama contest, and frankly I’m surprised it took this long before some smartass used it to make fun of the Post. Here we have a “Washington Peeps Editorial Board Meeting,” with a deranged-looking Deputy Editorial Page Editor Jackson Diehl explaining why we should be invading Burma or whatever, for freedom.

Obviously this diorama should win every prize ever invented, but the creator, some blogger called “BoRev,” is concerned that the concept may be too hot for the Post’s delicate sensibilities, so he’s got a petition going. By all means, sign it, and maybe the Post will shut down their peeps diorama contest once and for all, hooray. No Justice, No Peeps!

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“Oh, They’re NOT Kidding.”

That’s the first thing that came to mind when I read the Republicans had unveiled an alternative economic plan with no numbers in it. I then, disbelieving, watched the presser online during which House Minority Leader John Boehner (R- Ohio) and the GOP leadership ascended the dais, addressed the assembled news organizations and claimed that their strategy to save America, the “Republican Road to Recovery” plan “curbs spending, creates jobs and cuts taxes, and controls the debt; and it will soon have our economy growing again.”. With no numbers. It’s an economic plan made entirely of “I reckon”. The Associated Press called it, “a glossy pamphlet short on detail and long on campaign-style talking points”. I called it, “absurd”.

And now Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis) is calling it a “marketing document”. With a straight face. As if the GOP legislators of the United States of America needed a teaser ad to make their case. 

Ryan also had this grave warning to the American people should the President’s budget be approved: “If this agenda comes to pass, it will mark this period in history as the moment America turned European.”

Fuck, we’re going to be like SWEDEN! And other such countries where healthcare and college are largely free. Which right now, doesn’t sound so bad. 

Remember the frankly cuckoo-bananapants Bush/McCain tax cuts which a majority of American voters rejected at the polls a few months ago? Well, get your pom-poms out, because they’re back! And they have equally, fiscally-suicidal friends! Read More »

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Curiouser And Curiouser: The Political Conversion Of An Evangelical Powerhouse

An event sure to be filed under “April Fool!” and/or “a sure sign of the coming Apocalypse”, Howard Ahmanson Jr, a reclusive Californian billionaire philanthropist, “Christian Reconstructionist”, funder of Prop 8, intelligent design supporter, and long-time Loony Rushdoony acolyte, has written a column describing why he has just registered as a Democrat.

Ok, “a blue-dog Democrat for Bobby Jindal”, which makes no sense, but still, score one for the Dems. I think. 

On the face of it, Ahmanson’s Damascene conversion seems very odd, but it’s possible he has mellowed in his old age, no longer strictly believing in the teachings of Rousas John Rushdoony, a radical evangelical/Cavinist theologian who advocated lots of loopy things like putting the United States under some kind of wacky Christian theocracy, and the stoning to death of the usual Christianist suspects such as homosexuals, blasphemers, heretics, apostate Christians, females guilty of “unchastity before marriage”, adulterers, et al. And that’s to say nothing of murderers and those guilty of raping married women or “betrothed virgins”, who are probably hung, drawn, quartered and fed to the crows! Rushdoony was also a promoter of Holocaust denial, which is kind of ironic considering he fled the Turkish genocide in Armenia. Interestingly, Ahmanson resigned from Rushdoony’s Chalcedon board in 1996, saying that he “does not embrace all of Rushdoony’s teachings”, but was at Rushdoony’s deathbed in 2001 with his wife, Roberta [pictured above]. Good news, since Rushdoony was so impresssively batshit, even Rev Jerry Falwell’s people were skeeved.

While his charitable foundation’s focus is mostly on Christian causes, Ahmanson, who is a Tourettes sufferer, also gives to a range of non-Christianist causes like battling hunger and the arts. His Dem conversion essay is attached below in full.

 

WHY I REGISTERED DEMOCRAT

By Howard Ahmanson
About six weeks ago, I, a known leader of the Religious Right in California, decided to reregister in the Democratic Party. Why did I do this? Read More »

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NYC Erupts In Frenetic Partying As Rush Limbaugh Announces His Departure

Hot on the heels of a new NY state plan to tax residents who earn over $500,000, talk radio’s most capacious turd-burger, Rush Limbaugh, has announced plans to sell everything and move to Texas, a state with no income tax:

“When I am there working I pay whatever, you know, my rate is based on income for that day in New York. And I try to go as little as possible. If it weren’t for hurricanes down here, I would never go up there. New York is the escape valve in case hurricanes are showing up in our area, because of the loss of electricity. So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to look for an alternative studio somewhere outside New York, perhaps Texas — another no-income-tax state — and I’m going to get the hell over there, when a hurricane starts coming our way, ’cause I told Mayor Bloomberg: I’ll be the first to lead the way. You know, this is just… I’ll sell my apartment. I’ll sell my condominium. I’m going to get out of there totally, ’cause this is just absurd, and it’s ridiculous — and it isn’t going to work. It’s punishing the achievers for the mistakes and the lack of discipline on the part of a bunch of corrupt politicians that have run that city and state into the ground for I don’t know how many years — and I, for one, am not going to take the blame for it. “

Or for being a hypocritical, prescription-shopping, Oxy junkie! But I digress… The news has been grounds for riotous celebration in NYC, even amid the anxiety of the recession, and residents have poured into the streets wave goodbye to the “unofficial leader of the GOP”.

Limbaugh added, ”New York is probably going to celebrate that I’m not going to come back… They hate me, so they’re happy I’m not coming back. They’re going to praise Paterson for driving me out, even though I am rarely there anyway.” He also predicts that “there are going to be others that are going to get out of there, especially in this economy.” Could that mean Bill O’Reilly and his ilk might be joining Rush in Texas? What a bargain!

Goodbye, Rush, don’t get your fat ass stuck in the Holland Tunnel on your way out!

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This Is W.A.R: Meet Alaska’s New Attorney General!

Like most people, I had no idea who Wayne Anthony Ross, commonly known by his initials as W.A.R, was until he was given the Alaska AG nod. According to the article I read, he sounds like quite the firecracker, and luckily for Gov Sarah, he is decidedly pro-life (he defends anti-abortionists for free), pro-gun (as a former VP at NRA), anti-gay (Catholic) and anti-feminist (selectively).

Like a GOP strategist’s wet dream,  W.A.R certainly ticks all the Republican base boxes for 2012!

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Dumber Than When Decca Turned Down The Beatles

It’s hard to imagine a decision whose stupidity could dwarf that of Decca Records’, but indeed, that moment has arrived! 

The Boston Globe informs us that:

“Just months before the start of last year’s stock market collapse, the federal agency that insures the retirement funds of 44 million Americans departed from its conservative investment strategy and decided to put much of its $64 billion insurance fund into stocks.”

That’s right, billions of dollars in 44 million people’s retirement funds have gone *poof!* because someone with fewer financial smarts than me thought the stock market was a sure thing

A company you may never have heard of, the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation, operated by assessing premiums on the private pension plans they insured, and insuring up to $54,000 annually for individuals who retire at 65. The agency is also a lifeline for the approximately 1.3 million people who receive retirement checks from it, and 44 million others whose plans are backed by the agency. Ironically, according to the Boston Globe, the agency was set up in 1974 out of concern that workers who had pensions at financially troubled or bankrupt companies would lose their retirement funds.

But wait, there’s more! And it’s bad! Read More »

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The Wit And Wisdom Of Joe The Unlicensed Plumber


“Back in the day, really, when people would talk about our military in a poor way, somebody would shoot ‘em. And there’d be nothing said about that, because they did what was wrong. You don’t talk about our troops. You support our troops.”

– Joe “The Unlicensed Plumber” Wurzelbacher, GOP shill.

I wholeheartedly disagree, and this is why.

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Ripples In The Dead Pool

You may remember, gentle reader, I wrote recently of my slightly morbid dead (politician) pool and my firm belief that Saudi Prince Sultan bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud was not long for this mortal coil. Well, it seems my macabre sixth sense was right, despite the jolly announcements from his brother Prince Nayif recently that:

“Everything is in good shape. Crown Prince Sultan is enjoying complete health. God willing, he will return to the Kingdom very soon in order to carry out his duties better than before,” 

Terminal colon cancer = “complete health” in the secretive world of the Sauds, which is why it’s all somewhat reminiscent of the period following King Fahd’s massive stroke and brief sojourn in suspended animation, that is, until Prince Abdallah and his faction could get their ducks in a successful succession row.

Indeed, Prince Sultan is/was heir to the Saudi throne, and whom may succeed him as the next Crown Prince is a question of pressing importance, after all King Abdallah is 85 years old. Thanks to King Ibn Saud’s impressive polygamy, which resulted in 22 wives and more than 50 children, the succession question is always something of a Monte Carlo Rally of potential heirs. A little like Falcon Crest or the Bold and the Beautiful, except it’s real! Read More »

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Oh, That’s Cold: Alaskan Weather And Politics

I have watched with endless fascination the rise of Sarah Palin, from little-known Governor of Alaska to McCain’s stunning, if gaffe-prone, VP candidate with a penchant for “terrorist” outing. And she is fascinating. Attractive, winsome, folksy and cute, Gov. Palin manages to get away with the bare minimum of actual governance in Alaska, preferring to live in her home in Wasilla, about 500 miles from the state capital, legislature and governor’s mansion in Juneau. She literally “phones it in” a lot of the time. Except when she doesn’t even phone it in, as with the recent stimulus bill meeting which infuriated her fellow Alaskan Republican legislators.

I’ve followed with interest her various adventures: the accusations of “pillaging Neiman Marcus coast to coast“, the soap opera-esque Troopergate, and the (I thought) charming footage of her chatting to the media, unconcerned by the turkey carnage going on behind her. Many criticized Gov. Palin and her handlers over that incident, I honestly thought better of her for it. True, it wasn’t the most picturesque location to do a stand-up, and it was sheer comedy gold, but I respected her for “just getting on with it” and appearing agreeably chipper in the process.

Now it seems Gov Sarah Palin is in hot water over an alleged conflict of interest regarding a familiar subject,  questionable clothing choices. It concerns her wearing some rather loudly branded and personally monogrammed Arctic Cat snow gear [pictured above with similarly upholstered daughter, Piper] while serving in her official capacity as Governor of Alaska and the guest starter at the Iron Dog snowmobiling event, where her husband Todd was participating as a racer and, along with his team mate, Scott Davis, was sponsored by (you guessed it!) Arctic Cat. Read More »

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Wild Things Make My Heart Sing

Even a director as talented and quirky as Spike Jonze is unlikely to meet my expectations for the film treatment of my favorite book of all time. A movie version of Maurice Sendak’s classic Where the Wild Things Are has been ‘in development’ for decades, but is finally scheduled for release on October 19. Based on the general response to the first teaser trailer released a few days ago, all signs point to blockbuster.

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“I’m Not A Plumber, But I Play One On TV”, The Samuel J Wurzelbacher Story

Samuel “Joe” Wurzelbacher, better known as the unlicensed plumber whom the McCain campaign thrust into the media limelight as their interpretation of what a working class American looks like, is back!

He’s still not a plumber, and he’s definitely not going to make many friends in the plumbing arts by shilling for the anti-labor astro-turf group, Americans for Prosperity, which was previously fronted by impressively well-preserved neo-blonde, McCain strategist, and all-around peach, Nancy Pfotenhauer. 

According to AfP spokesperson, Mary Ellen Burke, Joe the Professional Plaid-wearer will be appearing at a series of events throughout Pennsylvania rallying opposition to the Employee Free Choice Act. Because working class people fucking hate having a say in the future of their companies! Mary Ellen Burke went on to say, “The public loves Joe the Plumber… “they see him as a role model”. And by “role model”, she means “scab who would shill for anyone with the greenbacks to pay him”.  

A phone call to Ms Burke to query exactly how much compensation Samuel Wurzelbacher would be receiving from Americans For Prosperity for his appearances revealed that she “did not know at this time”.

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What A GOP-Out: Republican Diversionary Tactics And Lame Excuses

Remember during the presidential campaign when Sarah Palin accused Barack Obama of “palling around with terrorists“? All the while, conveniently forgetting all about her her own Secede Alaska! friends. I say “conveniently”, because one of them was none other than her husband, Todd.

I’m sure a lot of fellow Americans wondered, after Lady McBush essentially called Obama a “terrorist”, and members of the Republican leadership comparing Obama to Hitler, where would the GOP go next? Would they realize that empty rhetoric and name-calling would only take them so far before Republican voters demanded a comprehensive and thoroughly researched alternative economic plan for America? Or would they decide to emulate the guys from Spinal Tap and opt to shoot for “eleven” on the gasbag scale?

Sensing this precipitous moment in history, the wingers wasted no time in jacking up the GOP’s Commie Peril Threat Level to 4, (shit-your-pants brown on the color chart). Newt Gingrich has been on Sean Hannity’s Fox News show declaring, “We are seeing the biggest power grab by politicians in American history”. Wow, project much, Newt? A previously Obama-enthralled Chief Whip  and big Britney Spears fan, Eric Cantor has been lately agreeing with CSPAN call-in loons that we’re on the “brink of totalitarian dictatorship”. Talk about an administration late and a dollar short. That was last year, crazy lady! Read More »

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Darwin Totally Messing With Texas

Score one for rational thought!  Kind of…

Yesterday the critical thinking faction of the Texas State Board of Education defeated the efforts of their religious idealogue colleagues to ensure the state’s schoolchildren would never be instructed in any scientific principles that contradict their deeply-held fairy stories of creation. Because, you know, science equals alchemy, which was the career choice of the devil. And his finest apprentice has always been Charles Darwin.

Read More »

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“It’s ALL Strategic”

After Barack Obama won the Presidential election last year, a lot of wags liked to say that, thanks to the various wars and economic meltdown, Obama had been elected to the crappiest job in the nation. Personally, I think that “honor” goes to poor Michael Steele, current chair of the RNC. Not only does Steele get zero respect from those porch-sitting, julep-sipping, “Barack the Magic Negro”-listening assholes who run the RNC, but upon being given a media-based atomic wedgie by Rush Limbaugh, talk radio’s most capacious turd-burger, he had to apologize and say it was all part of his master plan! 

Until, that is, he’s shortly shuffled out of the RNC’s back door by a no-confidence vote.

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Naked Dawn: Soviets Invade Nudist Colony

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How Do You Like Them Apples

Reagan guzzled jelly beans by the jar.  HW Bush possessed an unholy fondness for pork bellies.  W Bush liked his pretzels and popcorn. Bubba Clinton liked everything.

Obama is already known for being health and nutrition-conscious, so what Presidential snack did Sen Claire McCaskill tweet seeing in abundance in the Oval Office last night? Read More »

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O’Reilly Groping the Darkness for Rockbottom

Every single time Prudence triumphantly declares FoxNews has perpetrated a new level of outrage establishing the bottom rung of the network’s standards of professionalism and decency, Bill O’Reilly finds a creative way to lower the bar even further.

In “Unfair and Increasingly Imbalanced, Chapter XVI,” O’Reilly dispatched one of his top producers to ambush a liberal blogger who dared criticize the professional blowhard. In an ambitious display of dogged perseverance and creative investigative tactics (more commonly referred to as “stalking”), producer Jesse Watters and a cameraman approached ThinkProgress’s Amanda Terkel on the street in a small town in rural Virginia. She was on a mini-vacation. She had not told friends or family of her planned destination. So how did they find her?

The seriousness of the situation apparently dictated extreme–some might say unprofessional, inappropriate, or kinda scary–measures, since O’Reilly had concluded Terkel is involved in a vast leftwing conspiracy headed by NBC’s Jeffrey Zucker. The Extraordinary League of Zuckermaniacs is colluding to bring about O’Reilly’s destruction.  According to O’Reilly, of course.

I know–my mind has been thoroughly boggled by this one as well.  After the jump: Terkel’s account of her ambush by the O’Reilly Fucktor crew, and Bill’s edited version of the encounter broadcast on his show last night.  In O’Reilly’s Good vs. Evil casting of the news, guess who he thinks is evil?

Read More »

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Viva Cymru!

This is what happens when you combine a group of Welsh shepherds, their incredibly clever Border collies, some sheep, and a large number of LED lights supplied and paid for by Samsung. Magic.

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Ashes To Ashes, Sand To Sand

Perhaps it sounds morbid, but I have had a dead (politician) pool going for some years now. It’s a bit like March Madness for political geeks, just much slower and dorkier. Some demises are easy to predict, like Pinochet who absolutely radiated congestive heart disease, while others are not so straightforward; for example, Fidel, that slippery bastard, keeps coming up trumps.

However, I think my pool will have another member crossed off shortly. Saudi Crown Prince Sultan, first deputy Prime Minister, Defence and Aviation minister, and father of former Saudi Ambassador to DC, Bandar Bush, has lately been in the news for undergoing unspecified treatment in a NYC hospital. His brother, Saudi Minister for the Interior, Prince Nayif has reassured well-wishers by saying:

“I would like to assure you that the crown prince’s health is very good. God willing, after the medical vacation he will return to the Kingdom in full health,” the Saudi Press Agency quoted him telling reporters.”

“Medical vacation”, an interesting turn of phrase. It’s all somewhat reminiscent of the period following King Fahd’s massive stroke and brief sojourn in suspended animation, until Prince Abdallah and his faction could get their ducks in a successful succession row.

Prince Nayif went on to declare:

“Everything is in good shape. Crown Prince Sultan is enjoying complete health. God willing, he will return to the Kingdom very soon in order to carry out his duties better than before,” he said.

So that’s settled then, Prince Sultan is toast.

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Glenn Beck: Guns Don’t Kill People, Dangerous Minorities Do!

Glenn Beck: media personality and consummate loon

Glenn Beck: media personality and consummate loon

With my beloved Kitty Harris gone from public life, Ann Coulter still shivering from her hellacious beatdown courtesy of Meghan McCain, and Don Imus off with prostate cancer, I despaired as to whom I could turn to when I need some hard-core, uncut, “fuck you, reality” krazy. Fortunately, Fox News did not disappoint me, hewing to their storied reputation as cultivators and enablers of only the most paranoiac, unmedicated assbags, they delivered Glenn Beck from his straitjacket of CNN-imposed normalcy and unleashed him upon a waiting world. Indeed, when even fellow Fox Newsers like Bill O’Reilly and Shep Smith think Glenn Beck is utterly unhinged, I know I’ve hit crackpot gold!

I think Madeleine Albright, seasoned international diplomat and America’s first-ever female Secretary of State, had it right when she said succinctly, regarding Glenn Beck, cable news’ fleshy, wild-eyed harbinger of doom: “he’s nuts”. I concur, Madame Secretary! It’s not just Beck’s weird on-air crying jags, or his completely unsubstantiated assertions that there are “FEMA concentration camps” being built by Obama and his fellow one-worlders, indeed, there’s so much more batshittery to embrace. And he has his own show! Read More »

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Republicans to Cheney: STFU Already

Dick Cheney inspires me.  His recent media appearances have nurtured my creative spirit, sparking my design for a thick wool/angora tongue cozy that could be replicated by liberal knitting circles across the nation.

Precisely 22% of the voting public is stupid enough to keep buying the bullshit he proffers, but the Big Dick fights mightily to convince a full 23% that Barack Obama–if left to his own liberal, socialist, pro-Islamist, anti-American agenda–would use taxpayer money to fund new high-tech training camps for our terrorist enemies.

Ire over Cheney’s newfound love of the media spotlight has crossed the aisle like a bipartisan bronchial infection. Even Republican politicans are now publicly wishing Dick would STFU already and return to his undisclosed location. Read More »

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Welcome To PrayPal: Press 1 For Salvation…

Have you ever wanted to get that “please God, let me win my March madness bracket” exhortation up to the Almighty’s ear, but were too lazy to put down the Cheetos and remote control for more than a nano-second?

Well, fret no longer, because we have the answer to your (listless and impious) prayers! It’s called the Information Age Prayer Service, and it may well be from the same froot loops who brought you the You’ve Been Left Behind ”Post-Rapture Voicemail to the Unsaved” service. Here’s what they claim on their website:

“Information Age Prayer is a subscription service utilizing a computer with text-to-speech capability to incant your prayers each day. It gives you the satisfaction of knowing that your prayers will always be said even if you wake up late, or forget.”

Though the website gamely exhorts devout slacker Catholics to, “show God you’re serious and get the whole Rosary package!”, lapsed Catholics and those of moderate means are encouraged to participate too: 

“The morning prayer is meant to be said each morning. A relatively long prayer, it has many essentials important for Catholics to say each day. Subscribe to tell God that you think of him each morning! For a cheaper alternative, you may be interested in the shorter Protestant Morning Prayer.”

Centuries-old ecclesiastical schism, be damned! Convenience and economy are key here. And they’re not just looking to fleece Christians! What makes me titter most is the Information Age Prayer Service’s all-encompassing krazy, for example, they have an prayer service aimed at late-sleeping Muslims who want to skip the daily Fajr prayer at dawn for the low-low price of $3.95 a month! And how can you be sure that Allah is listening? No problem, the site assures us that, “all Muslim prayers are voiced in English, with the computer speakers facing Mecca”. Read More »

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Lowest Common Denominator: The Fox News Formula

Sometimes I think to myself, “holy crap, Fox news couldn’t possibly sink any lower than that!”, and then they prove me wrong. Again. This is one of those times.

In the infuriating segment above, Greg “Gutless” Gutfeld and his panel of empty-headed morons mock the hardships and sacrifices of the Canadian military in Afghanistan, just as the bodies of four dead Canadian service personnel are flown home to their grieving families. Unsurprisingly, the Canadian federal government are demanding an apology from Gutless Gutfeld and his crew of giggly chickenhawks:

“We want an apology from this so-called comedian and his panel. These are despicable, hurtful and ignorant comments. No one is laughing and they owe Canada, and more importantly the families of each one of our fallen heroes, an apology for their ill-informed mistakes,” Dan Dugas, the spokesman for Defence Minister Peter MacKay, told Canwest News Service on Monday.”

Why is it the really gung-ho, “war-gives-me-a-stiffy” Fox News talking heads are also the ones who’ve gone to great lengths not to serve their country? Hannity, Coulter, O’Reilly, et al? All civvies. The only person I can think of who did actually join the military is Ollie North, that retired colonel guy with a shitty, if selective, memory.

So, kids, if you have shit to say about this, here’s the email address: redeye@foxnews.com

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Sex, Drugs, and Golden Showers in the Senate

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Manson: Still Crazy After All These Years

Officials at Corcoran State Prison in California have released a new mug shot of their most famous prisoner. The years may have claimed Charles Manson’s wild mane of black hair, but the swastika carved into his forehead will remain until the skin disintegrates from his rotting corpse.

Since he almost looks like a perfectly harmless old man, let’s remember him as he used to be when he would say things like: “These children that come at you with knives, they are your children. You taught them. I didn’t teach them. I just tried to help them stand up.”

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I Heart George Clooney

He’s hot, hilarious, and has a social conscience. George Clooney could be damn near the perfect man.

Clooney has been working to draw attention to those injured and displaced by the fighting in Sudan, and even convinced President Obama to appoint a special envoy dedicated to helping negotiate a peaceful end to the conflict that has reportedly claimed 300,000 lives and created an estimated 2.5 million refugees in the past six years.

He recently traveled back to Sudan with NBC’s Ann Curry. It’s pretty clear from the segment that he is more than a celebrity dilettante activist. He’s a man with a heart and a mind, who recognizes he can use his fame to bring attention to the suffering so many would otherwise ignore.


Also watch clips from the “Clooney cam” after the jump. George leads a tour of his sparse accommodations in Chad, does his best Andy Rooney impression, and talks to a presumably half-naked Nicholas Kristof. Read More »

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Pope Ben: Ignorance = Holy Bliss

With all the wisdom bestowed upon him by God and the authority endowed by the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Benedict opened his pearly white teeth to release a stream of utter bullshit today.

While en route to his first visit to Africa, the pontiff took the opportunity to blame the distribution of condoms for aggravating the spread of HIV and AIDS.

Because a good dose of religion preached by a wealthy European is all those poor black folk need to save their souls and their lives. Read More »

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AIG: The Great American Con

In the New York Times today, Andrew Ross Sorkin describes the AIG employees expecting fat bonuses as “brainiacs” in justifying the need to retain their services for the ailing company. But the way he lays out the case makes them sound more like criminal masterminds than masters of finance.

A.I.G. employees concocted complex derivatives that then wormed their way through the global financial system. If they leave — the buzz on Wall Street is that some have, and more are ready to — they might simply turn around and trade against A.I.G.’s book. Why not? They know how bad it is. They built it.

Yes, they built it–this monumental fuck-up is entirely their doing. So why should they be rewarded? What kind CEO would want to retain employees who engineered the downfall of the entire company?  That’s more than a simple “Oops, I broke the fax machine.” Read More »

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Stephen’s Angry Mob Will Crush AIG

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Truth About Cheney’s Assassination Squad

Investigative reporter Sy Hersh created a stir last week when he mentioned during a speech at the University of Minnesota that the Bush Administration had employed an “executive assassination ring” that had reported directly to Vice-President Dick Cheney.

Hersh was extremely clumsy in his explanation, making obvious errors that betrayed he really didn’t know what the hell he was talking about on this particular topic. However, I can confirm there is also an element of truth to Hersh’s jumbled account. Read More »

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Lies, Damned Lies, And Statistics

Much has been made in the MSM and blogosphere of the Pentagon’s assertion that 61 freed Gitmo prisoners are now determined jihaddis once again:

“Pentagon spokesman Geoff Morrell said 18 former detainees are confirmed as “returning to the fight” and 43 are suspected of having done in a report issued late in December by the Defense Intelligence Agency.”

Alarming news, if true. However, as free-thinking individuals, we should, as in all things, consider the source. Now, to frothing right-wingers such as Michelle Maglalang Malkin and John Hinderaker, that statement will sound “unpatriotic”, but as Thomas Jefferson wrote, the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants, and if we do not seek out the truth, how may we know whom is the patriot and whom the tyrant?

Indeed, Seton Hall University Law School’s Center for Policy & Research has released a press release challenging that number. Professor Mark Denbeaux of Seton Hall said that the Center has crunched the numbers and determined that, and obviously I’m paraphrasing here, the Pentagon are just plain making shit up:

“DOD has issued ‘recidivism’ numbers 43 times, and each time they have been wrong-this last time the most egregiously so. 

“Every time they have been required to identify the parties, the DoD has been forced to retract their false IDs and their numbers.” He added, “They have counted people as ‘returning to the fight’ for their having written an Op-ed piece in the New York Times and for their having appeared in a documentary exhibited at the Cannes Film Festival.”

Read More »

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