How To Secede In Govt Without Really Trying

Posted in: Barf, Bitching and Moaning, J'accuse, Politics, Today in Crazy

Like a teenager who moves out, but still mooches off his parents for food, gas and laundry, Texas Gov. Rick Perry recently obliquely threatened to secede from the union. While addressing a bunch of tea baggers at one of their tax day bitch-ins, Perry told the crowd he didn’t believe they were all “right-wing extremists,” as others had sought to portray them. “But if you are, I’m with you!” he shouted. Afterwards, Perry told reporters that Texas might have to secede from the union:

“Perry told reporters following his speech that Texans might get so frustrated with the government they would want to secede from the union.

“There’s absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that.”

But that was then, and this is now. Like the aforementioned whiny teen, Gov Perry has come back, cap in hand, to beg for federal help with the swine flu outbreak in Texas, and to petulantly demand federal troops to guard the border. 

This isn’t the first time Ricky has treated the federal govt like a chick with low self-esteem to booty call. After Hurricane Ike devastated a chunk of the Lone Star state, their secessionist goober, Perry got all “socialist” then too!

According to a recent Rasmussen poll, 31% of Texans want to secede from the union.

So why the hell don’t they just secede? These supposed “real Americans” claim to really hate us, and by “us”, I mean, Washington D.C., the so-called “liberal elite”, “big government”, “baby-killers”, “Dimmicrats”, et al. So, go! Secede, bitches! And don’t let the door hit you in your wheezy, parasitic, collective asses on the way out.

I’m sick, sad, sorry and tired of those whiny fuckers telling me that I’m a communist and fascist at the same damned time. You can’t be BOTH, shit-for-brains! Fox Newsers, get yourselves an English-Stupid dictionary and look the definitions up. And while you’re at it, have a gander at the Constitution! That Second Amendment you claim gives you the right to festoon yourselves with assault weapons? Read the first half of the fucking sentence, dumbass! And maybe you could also start respecting those other amendments. They’re not there for window dressing, or because the framers got a batch of amendments on special, they mean something! 

Who do you think those Founding Fathers/revolutionaries were? Those frilly shirt-wearers were blue-staters, that’s why all the great monuments are here, in the arugula-eating North East. And ton of them are in D.C., a beautiful, livable city which I happen to adore living in,  despite the swarms of annoying tourists, armed criminals, and summer mosquitoes. And if you half-witted tea baggers want to bitch about “taxation without representation”, you can demonstrate on behalf of us, the D.C residents, because we live it. Personally, I’m pretty happy that President Obama is giving me a tax cut, because I sure as shit don’t earn more than $250K a year, and I’ll bet a vast proportion of those tea bagging goobers don’t either. Self preservation, ur doin’ it rong.

And all those Federal taxes you love to hate? We blue staters subsidize your shit! Tennessee Valley Authority electricity? You’re welcome! And all those fancy highways? That too! And the next time Florida or Texas gets hit by a hurricane, or a trailer park full of double-wide tornado magnets in Kansas gets wiped out in a heartbeat, you’ll start demanding federally funded troops and (a now-functioning) FEMA to come and rescue your gun-crazed, right-wing asses. Well, fuck you. We broke up, remember?

And for good reason. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least, they’re red states. D.C. doesn’t even count as a state, but we still pay taxes. A lot of taxes. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? Bingo! You win a cookie, they’re blue states. If the red staters are so hot on self-reliance, ok! Piss off and pave your own damned roads. 

Personally, I won’t miss the “real Americans”, those sanctimonious bastards, 38 percent of whom in the red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, and 62 percent believe “life is sacred” unless we’re discussing the war, torture, the death penalty, or letting paranoid lunatics buy all the assault weapons and ammo they can carry. More than 44 percent of those red state leeches say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61 percent, in all seriousness, believe they have higher morals then we “libruls”.

That’s funny, because once again, reality isn’t kind to numpty right wingers. Why else would Massachusetts, the oft lambasted “gay marriage state”, have the lowest divorce rate in the nation? More bad news: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are blue states, and most are in the Northeast. So where are the highest divorce rates? Oh dear, it seems 10 of the top 10 are red states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is certainly doing its part. So much for taking your vows more seriously because you go to church more often!

Check the numbers, the “real America” would contain the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers, 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their incipient health care costs), 92% of the mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Liberty University, Clemson and the University of Georgia (though I’ll admit Uga the bulldog is pretty cute). You get the fundy Mormons aka FLDS, and we get the Amish. Hey, they may dress alike, but the Amish aren’t polygamous kiddy fiddlers. Have fun with that!

It’s true, we’ll be bummed that we couldn’t forge a more perfect union, despite all the nice presents we gave you, but we’ll console ourselves with the complete control of approximately 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the lettuce (after all, Barry Hussein loves his arugula!), 92% of all fresh fruit grown, all bar 5% of good American wine, 90% of all the cheese that’s not luridly orange, 90% of all IT and high tech industries, the magical, ancient redwood forests, sequoias and majestic condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sisters schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

And it’s also true that we’ll get Hollywood in the break-up, but hey, we all have our crosses to bear.

So feel free to secede, “real America”, and don’t forget to take the morons at Fox News with you. You’ll need a cheerleader once we, and all our lovely tax dollars, are gone. 

State FY 2005 Federal Spending per $1 of Federal Taxes Rank
New Mexico $2.03 1
Mississippi $2.02 2
Alaska $1.84 3
Louisiana $1.78 4
West Virginia $1.76 5
North Dakota $1.68 6
Alabama $1.66 7
South Dakota $1.53 8
Kentucky $1.51 9
Virginia $1.51 10
Montana $1.47 11
Hawaii $1.44 12
Maine $1.41 13
Arkansas $1.41 14
Oklahoma $1.36 15
South Carolina $1.35 16
Missouri $1.32 17
Maryland $1.30 18
Tennessee $1.27 19
Idaho $1.21 20
Arizona $1.19 21
Kansas $1.12 22
Wyoming $1.11 23
Iowa $1.10 24
Nebraska $1.10 25
Vermont $1.08 26
North Carolina $1.08 27
Pennsylvania $1.07 28
Utah $1.07 29
Indiana $1.05 30
Ohio $1.05 31
Georgia $1.01 32
Rhode Island $1.00 33
Florida $0.97 34
Texas $0.94 35
Oregon $0.93 36
Michigan $0.92 37
Washington $0.88 38
Wisconsin $0.86 39
Massachusetts $0.82 40
Colorado $0.81 41
New York $0.79 42
California $0.78 43
Delaware $0.77 44
Illinois $0.75 45
Minnesota $0.72 46
New Hampshire $0.71 47
Connecticut $0.69 48
Nevada $0.65 49
New Jersey $0.61 50
     
Source: Tax Foundation, Census Bureau

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