When not lazily flipping off my favorite hypocrites and liars in print, I like to look for the things that unite people, rather than divide them. We all, by and large, love our children, hate cockroaches, and hope tomorrow will be a better day.
And there’s another thing… We Americans also seem to be united by our love of internet porn! Yes, even those uptight, finger-wagging god-botherers like a wankfest. As it turns out, more than most! Indeed, a recent analysis of a multi-site porn company’s credit card receipts by an associate professor at Harvard Business School of the consumption of internet porn has some interesting, if not surprising, conclusions, namely, that states which consume the most porn tend to be more conservative and religious than states with lower levels of consumption. Perhaps it’s down to a mixed message? They’re told to “keep pure” and that sex is sinful, but are also exhorted by their various holy books to be fruitful and multiply.
Ben Edelman, a rather scrumptious and terrifying lettered Assistant Professor of Business Administration at Harvard Business School, says that Utah, home to the Dogood family’s favorite Prop 8 promoting, magic-undies-wearing busybodies, is America’s biggest consumer of nekkid pics and movies!
“The biggest consumer, Utah, averaged 5.47 adult content subscriptions per 1000 home broadband users; Montana bought the least with 1.92 per 1000.”
But it’s not just a Mormon thing, apparently, it’s a generally repressed God-botherer thing
“States where a majority of residents agreed with the statement “I have old-fashioned values about family and marriage,” bought 3.6 more subscriptions per thousand people than states where a majority disagreed. A similar difference emerged for the statement “AIDS might be God’s punishment for immoral sexual behaviour.”"
Hilariously, god-fearing church-goers bought less online porn on Sundays - a 1% increase in a zipcode’s religious attendance was associated with a 0.1% drop in subscriptions that day. However, wankfest expenditures on the other six days of the week brought believers in line with the rest of the country. In fact, “real” Americans (as VPILF Sarah Palin would say) i.e residents of the 27 states which passed laws banning gay marriage boasted 11% more porn subscribers than states that don’t explicitly restrict gay marriage.
So it seems bigotry and religious mania certainly won’t keep you from onanism, however, neither will voting Republican:
“Eight of the top 10 pornography consuming states gave their electoral votes to John McCain in last year’s presidential election - Florida and Hawaii were the exceptions. While six out of the lowest 10 favoured Barack Obama.”
Could this be because Barry-lovers are actually out banging one another rather than banging on about “old fashioned” family values? Or could it be because they’re savvy enough to find porn for free on the intertubes? This is something I can’t possibly endorse, since porn actors are some of the hardest working members (ahem) in show business and deserve their cut like everyone else.