What’s Sauce For The Goose, Should Be Sauce For The Gander

President Bush has stated, proudly and defiantly, that torture is and was a necessary tool to protect this country from its enemies. It is a position on which many Americans are divided. I personally think torture is wrong, however, I am but a weak and feeble woman with a kinky thing for equality under the law, and I would very much like to know if we can start torturing Bernie Madoff to find out where all the money went.

This is, after all, a veritable Mount Whitney of stolen cash which totals out to something in excess of $50 BILLION. Surely, since we’re happy to torture lots of people we merely suspect of being guilty of a crime, it’s not unreasonable to apply that same treatment to someone who has freely admitted running a vast, criminal Ponzi scheme? All things being equal, what’s wrong with putting a few lit Marlboros out on Bernie’s skin to find out where the funds from all those worthy charities, trusting celebrities, and hedge funds went? I’ll bet Jose Padilla would agree.